Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
