the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
