guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
