please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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