After last night, I could never be a politician.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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