You're my little dorito
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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