Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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