Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
