I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
