I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
