So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
