I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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