i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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