I'm going to rape someone's good day.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My ATM looks so different sober.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
