Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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