Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
