she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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