a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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