Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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