Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
