dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
