I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
