just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
