i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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