I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
