my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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