My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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