Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
