note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Swine flu is the new snow day.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
