how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
