i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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