this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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