I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
