Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
