I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
