He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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