he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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