my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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