so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
