first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
