Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
