Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
