bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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