yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
