***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
