the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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