woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Too much gin, very little bucket
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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