Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
