He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
