Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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