So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
