This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
