i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
