i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
