I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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